And you're really starting to say essentially, “I don't want his choice to cheat to be my responsibility in any way. And it makes me feel like there's pressure on me to be on the lookout for that kind of behavior again, or if it happens again that it's my fault.Įllyn: So, I really love what you're saying here and what you're bringing up because you're really starting to get into the intricacy and the complexity of getting out of this conundrum of being the one who's monitoring him. I feel like our issues are significant and valid, but the response to any of those issues is not go out and cheat and lie about it. The fact that you currently feel like you have to is part of the challenge for you in I want to be a good partner.”Įllyn:(to Marta) And you're recognizing that you don't really want to be monitoring Logan in the future. You're recognizing responsibility to be a good partner. That is unfair because it's not your responsibility to do detective work.Įllyn:(to Logan) You've just said a lot here. There isn't enough trust that I would come forward if something were to happen, and it makes you feel like you need to be digging for things to be sure it's not happening. That's not a burden that you should have and, given a previous incident – or partly because of issues in our relationship, that makes you feel responsible, which you know is not the case. Logan: You feel that there's an unjust burden on you to monitor me and try to see if I'm just unhappy or if there's something going on. There are problems that were going on before, but those choices that you made were your choices. Like this is partially my fault, and it wasn't. And the second aspect is the pressure of feeling like this is all reactive due to problems in our relationship.
I feel like I need to monitor you and detect what's “off” and be on the lookout for anything that says you're cheating, and not just that you're unhappy. I’m going to walk you through how I would work with Marta in the Initiator role after discovering her partner, Logan, had cheated on her Today, I thought it would be useful for me to share a role-play demonstrating how I might address some of the challenges that can typically come up. In case you are unfamiliar with it, you can read about the Initiator-Inquirer Process here. The Initiator-Inquirer is a powerful exercise that gives partners specific skills to learn and apply so they can manage their own emotional volatility during tense discussions.įor the therapist, watching partners in the exercise provides a very explicit window into each partner's level of differentiation and allows you to fine-tune your interventions based on each partner's level of development. One way to slow things down is to use the Initiator-Inquirer process with them. So, in your work, it’s crucial to slow things down. Many times, a couple will want to rush you, or you may want to rush yourself to move faster than a couple is ready. If you missed it, you can find it right here. In my last blog post, I gave an overview of some of the issues you are likely to confront when working with a case like this. Infidelity can be devastating to a couple’s relationship.Even before we walk into the room and learn anything about the couple, we can be sure the crisis has them deeply unsettled.